The Armed Forces funnies Thread.
10-08-2009, 08:57 AM
#1
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The Armed Forces funnies Thread.
We didnt have one of these, and i just got this in my email, i thought it was extremely funny, so here it is.
(and please; before anyone goes apeshit about not picking on the French, this is just how i recieved it. Coulda been any bitch.
)
The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a
seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle .
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, ma'am may I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this offensive American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle .
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, ma'am may I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this offensive American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
(and please; before anyone goes apeshit about not picking on the French, this is just how i recieved it. Coulda been any bitch.
)
09-08-2010, 06:21 PM
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Dear Ma and Pa
Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for Old Man Minch a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things — no hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. You got to shave, but it is not bad in warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, beef, ham steak, fried eggplant, pie and regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed.
It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much. We go on “route marches,” which, the Sgt. says, are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys all get sore feet and we ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sgt. is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Cols. and Gens. just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bull’s-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don’t move. And it ain’t shooting at you, like the Higsett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it, you don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellows get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving son, Zeb
P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 for barn roof and ma’s teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.
Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for Old Man Minch a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things — no hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. You got to shave, but it is not bad in warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, beef, ham steak, fried eggplant, pie and regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed.
It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much. We go on “route marches,” which, the Sgt. says, are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys all get sore feet and we ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sgt. is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Cols. and Gens. just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bull’s-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don’t move. And it ain’t shooting at you, like the Higsett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it, you don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellows get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving son, Zeb
P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 for barn roof and ma’s teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.
11-12-2010, 01:41 AM
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A Marine In Hell
A Marine dies in combat and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thinks to himself I know I lead a wild life but, Hell, I'm a Marine. We're expected to live wild lives. I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this. "
Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.
Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed?
Marine: Well, what do you think? I'm in hell.
Counselor: Hell's not so bad; we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?
Marine: Of course I do. I'm a Marine.
Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays, On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?
Marine: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays.
Do you like to fight?
Marine: Of course I do. I'm a Marine!
Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's Fighting Day. We challenge each other to fights to see who's the toughest in Hell. You don't have to worry about getting hurt or killed, because you're already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?
Marine: Show me a Marine who doesn't!
Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays, because we gamble all day and night. Black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?
Marine: Of course, not! I'm a Marine!
Counselor: Oh (grimaces), you're going to hate Fridays.
Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.
Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed?
Marine: Well, what do you think? I'm in hell.
Counselor: Hell's not so bad; we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?
Marine: Of course I do. I'm a Marine.
Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays, On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?
Marine: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays.
Do you like to fight?
Marine: Of course I do. I'm a Marine!
Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's Fighting Day. We challenge each other to fights to see who's the toughest in Hell. You don't have to worry about getting hurt or killed, because you're already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?
Marine: Show me a Marine who doesn't!
Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays, because we gamble all day and night. Black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?
Marine: Of course, not! I'm a Marine!
Counselor: Oh (grimaces), you're going to hate Fridays.
11-13-2010, 02:55 PM
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11-25-2010, 05:01 AM
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True Story
Ok heres a true one...
Dec 2004 I was in Fallujah Iraq during operation Al Fajir (or whatever their calling it now) Anyways, I was on an OP with my platoon Corpsman (Medic for all you non Marine types) and 5 Iraqi national guard guys. The OP was a two story house with a 6 foot wall around it but thanks to our buddies in 2nd tank Bn the wall had huge holes in it. We rigged trip flares across the open parts of the wall and fortified the 1st story of the home since we spent most of our time on the roof observing the area around us. We thought it was fairly safe and we were confident in our trip flare rigging ability so we never really worried about insurgents getting too close to us. Well on night all our fears became reality... kinda. I was on post with an Iraqi while the others slept and it was about 0245. I heard some noise down the street from our OP so I checked it out with my PAZ-13 thermal scope, but I couldnt see any movement. So I waited and listened, and the sound returned, closer this time. It sounded like someone walking through the rubble and broken glass, so I woke up my Corps man and told him we had movement to the south. I called my company HQ and asked if we had a friendly patrol in the area and they confirmed that we did not.
At this point we were wound so freaking tight if you snapped behind us we would have merc'd you. Well after a few minutes Doc was telling me I was paranoid and that I shouldn't wake him up for stupid shit but right at that moment one of our trip flares detonated lighting up the whole side of the house. I couldnt see a damn thing but Doc started yelling that there was movement behind the south wall and he opened up with his M16A4. I trusted Doc so I opened up and pretty soon all the iraqis were lighting up this one section of wall with automatic fire from their AK's we probably went through 200 rounds total from all of us before I called cease fire. The trip flare went out so I fired an illum round from my M203 and we observed the area. The wall we were shooting at was pretty well shredded from our fire, and I decided I need to make a BDA (battle damage assessment) to see if we had killed or wounded the insurgent that was ballsy enough to try and occupy a Marine OP. I go down stairs and out the front door (where it used to be) and I move to the edge of the wall. Doc was covering me from up on the roof as I mustered up the guts to round the wall. I put my weapon on fire, pulled it into my shoulder, and put my thumb on the push button for my surefire light. Took a deep breath and spun around the corner depressing the switch on my light at the same time....
Where I thought an insurgent would be, was a dog... a scared shitless, nasty, mutt. We wasted 200 rounds and freaked ourselves out over a damn dog that had breached our perimeter, and we never hit him with a single round... He ran off probably thinking "What the fu*k just happened!!!"
Dec 2004 I was in Fallujah Iraq during operation Al Fajir (or whatever their calling it now) Anyways, I was on an OP with my platoon Corpsman (Medic for all you non Marine types) and 5 Iraqi national guard guys. The OP was a two story house with a 6 foot wall around it but thanks to our buddies in 2nd tank Bn the wall had huge holes in it. We rigged trip flares across the open parts of the wall and fortified the 1st story of the home since we spent most of our time on the roof observing the area around us. We thought it was fairly safe and we were confident in our trip flare rigging ability so we never really worried about insurgents getting too close to us. Well on night all our fears became reality... kinda. I was on post with an Iraqi while the others slept and it was about 0245. I heard some noise down the street from our OP so I checked it out with my PAZ-13 thermal scope, but I couldnt see any movement. So I waited and listened, and the sound returned, closer this time. It sounded like someone walking through the rubble and broken glass, so I woke up my Corps man and told him we had movement to the south. I called my company HQ and asked if we had a friendly patrol in the area and they confirmed that we did not.
At this point we were wound so freaking tight if you snapped behind us we would have merc'd you. Well after a few minutes Doc was telling me I was paranoid and that I shouldn't wake him up for stupid shit but right at that moment one of our trip flares detonated lighting up the whole side of the house. I couldnt see a damn thing but Doc started yelling that there was movement behind the south wall and he opened up with his M16A4. I trusted Doc so I opened up and pretty soon all the iraqis were lighting up this one section of wall with automatic fire from their AK's we probably went through 200 rounds total from all of us before I called cease fire. The trip flare went out so I fired an illum round from my M203 and we observed the area. The wall we were shooting at was pretty well shredded from our fire, and I decided I need to make a BDA (battle damage assessment) to see if we had killed or wounded the insurgent that was ballsy enough to try and occupy a Marine OP. I go down stairs and out the front door (where it used to be) and I move to the edge of the wall. Doc was covering me from up on the roof as I mustered up the guts to round the wall. I put my weapon on fire, pulled it into my shoulder, and put my thumb on the push button for my surefire light. Took a deep breath and spun around the corner depressing the switch on my light at the same time....
Where I thought an insurgent would be, was a dog... a scared shitless, nasty, mutt. We wasted 200 rounds and freaked ourselves out over a damn dog that had breached our perimeter, and we never hit him with a single round... He ran off probably thinking "What the fu*k just happened!!!"
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12-04-2011, 06:57 PM
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during this deployment i started a series of comics called "deployed this way" about funny stuff that happened during this deployment, ive only done like 4 or 5 these past 10 months cause they keep us pretty busy, but i got a new 2012 JK Rubicon waiting for me when i get home
This actually happened tho i didnt tell the driver to swerve but i almost did
This actually happened tho i didnt tell the driver to swerve but i almost did